“It is naive to think that self-assertiveness is easy. To live self-assertively–which means to live authentically–is an act of high courage. That is why so many people spend the better part of their lives in hiding–from others and also from themselves.”

― Nathaniel Branden

Years ago, I was hosting a dinner party for another couple and their daughters. The youngest of the two, 4-year old Lilly, reminded me a lot of myself when I was her age. I had spent the day carefully preparing my signature Shrimp Jambalaya recipe and we all sat down for a white tablecloth-dinner. Lilly took a tentative bite and then peered around at everyone else eating. Her older sister was diligently pushing the food around on her plate. As we neared a lull in the conversation, Lilly spoke up clearly and said, “This is the worst dinner ever, don’t you think?”.

Instantly, the room fell silent, her parent’s faces turned bright red, and all eyes were upon me. At that moment, I saw in Lilly the reflection of me and my affectation. I burst out laughing, almost falling off my chair. Everyone else started laughing too and I headed for the kitchen to pull out the pedestrian, but greatly-appreciated hot dogs. 

I, like Lilly, was a precocious 4-year-old full of curiosity, playfulness, and truth. Over time, shyness, self-consciousness, and fear began to creep in. Then, the assessments from others whose opinions I trusted further cloaked my once-uncluttered view. It seems like I’ve spent a lifetime yearning to return to the honesty, purity, and authenticity of that 4-year old girl.

Once I had kids of my own, I was again able to witness the purity and authenticity we possess as children. And yet, it wasn’t until my kids were teenagers that my own inner consciousness began to slowly reawaken. It was a deeply-ingrained fear of abandonment that was creating many limiting beliefs for me. This basic fear of being alone translated into a fear of speaking my truth, being honest with myself, and even sharing my natural gifts.

Before we can be honest with others, we first must be brutally honest with ourselves. We are innately social creatures and all have an underlying fear of abandonment or fear of rejection operating in the background at some level. Fundamentally, the notion of truly being alone terrifies us. This fear drives us subconsciously and, if left unchecked, can prevent us from taking risks or ever being all that we can be. The problem is that we’re all afraid that we might stand out socially or, worse yet, be ostracized.

Just like you, I can’t rewrite the story of my life, nor can I change the family I was born into. And, quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to change a thing because it is what makes up who I am today. What is under my control; however, is how I choose to use my history, what wisdom I glean from my own personal saga and how I openly express my real personality from this present-day forward. This is a conscious choice and requires utter self-honesty.

I’ve been on my own journey of deeply-reflective work since 2006, which has included highly-disciplined daily practices and many experiential retreats. Along the way, I’ve been fortunate to work with some true thoroughbreds in the self-development industry. That includes a bona fide shaman, spiritual advisors, and my own personal coaches.

Without a shadow of a doubt, my life is significantly better since I started on this journey of self-exploration in search of my true self. This is not to say that I still don’t become insecure, self-conscious, fear abandonment or display the counter-productive behavior that plagues us all from time to time. This is part of the human condition and what we are here to learn. The difference is that I have an innate sense of well-being, inner wisdom, peace of mind and grace that permeates my life now.

Imagine yourself when you were a 4-year old child. What would it be like for you to begin to reclaim the beautiful parts of your four-year-old on an ongoing basis? Give yourself the gift of this incredible act of high courage and I assure you, you’ll never look back again. The rewards are considerable.